waking

I didn't know how to not feel this way, or why I was feeling this way. Clinging to Hosea 14, you're down but you're not out, I went to the piano. Nobody was home. And I played out my whole entire heart. And I knew, then, why I was dying. 

Because it wasn't Jesus I wanted. I wanted other things more than I wanted Jesus. 

And then I went and I opened my Bible and it was Psalm 40 and I read , its Truth making me nod, and then I saw it, and something changed: 

abandoning themselves to God. 

You don't say thank you to somebody who dies for you. 

You abandon yourself to them. 

I thought that I was holding the string. All this talk about balloons and gods and the inability to let go. Jeremiah 29:11, plans to take care of you, not abandon you. To give you a future and a hope. 

God is holding me. I heard this, unable to believe it. If God is holding me, then that means --

it's like I'm not my own. Dismayed, I bit my lip. And then, 

of course not. That's the whole point, me not in control. 

Abandoning myself to God. 

The focus shifting from me, to Him. 

Abandonment, it's scary. 

Abandoning myself to God? It's giving up.

Yet, it's the reason we wake from our coffins.