i'm not going back on that

it's raining right now and i can see a person walking holding an umbrella. all i want to do is grab the umbrella i'm not supposed to get until Christmas and just walk through the rain. because i can't remember the last time i did that.

It's been an awesome weekend, God-wise. I'm different. If I was going to write out everything, we could be here for days -- me typing, you reading. That is, if anyone actually comes here to read a novel. 


It's like my eyes have been closed. I knew all the words but I turned and they were like unwanted roses. 


How could my fingers have written these truths but my heart been so blind?


Your truths, God. I turned it into a worldly routine, never caring about their meaning.

I said I "desired" to live a life like You, and then I went and gossiped and complained and yelled and regretted. 

It's so easy to trust ourselves. To think that we'll work it out. I just end up mucking everything up.


I'm sick of this notion, this knowing that You're here somewhere -- but in the background. 


I want You to be real, God.


Since this is the kind of life we have chosen, the life of the Spirit, let us make sure that we do not just hold it as an idea in our heads or a sentiment in our hearts, but work out its implications in every detail of our lives. That means we will not compare ourselves with each other as if one of us were better and another worse. We have far more interesting things to do with our lives. Each of us is an original. -- Galations 5:25-26


My prayer,


 Indeed, I have been crucified with Christ. My ego is no longer central. It is no longer important that I appear righteous before you or have your good opinion, and I am no longer driven to impress God. Christ lives in me. The life you see me living is not "mine," but it is lived by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave himself for me. I am not going to go back on that. -- Galations 2:20