for the past however long, i've been walking around, my mind numb. a hollow place inside of me that i couldn't fill. i spent countless hours online. eating food. anything i could think of to fill this complete state of emptiness inside of me. i tried to forget about it, tried to go about as normal, but knowing that something needed to be changed.

today i was reading Summer Promise by Robin Jones Gunn for the umpteenth time. i've always loved it, because it's a great book.

but there i was, reading it. Tracy and Christy were on the beach, and Tracy said something to Christy and i put the book down and went oh? what? 

then i went outside. i went on the trampoline, i looked up at the clouds swiftly waving by on this blue-for-winter day.

Jesus, be my Lord. 

i was going through everything, trying to find something, finding nothing.

Jesus, be my Lord.

i made Jesus a part of my routine. wake up in the morning -- read your Bible. no, you have to. even just a verse.

i didn't like it. i rushed through it before trying to find something good to do. tried to write a song, went on facebook (which i delete every other day), tried to figure out what was wrong. 

Jesus, be my Lord.

i cared about what people thought of me because they are the ones that i looked to. i wasn't looking to God. i was afraid because i didn't see God as anything i needed, anyone to protect me. God was someone to pray to, someone to believe in because we all need to believe in something and that was how i'd been brought up.

and today i realized, as i read those pages in that book. i need Jesus as my Lord. as the one i look to; the one i follow.

Jesus is my Lord.

i have been cruficified with Christ and no longer live, but Christ lives in me. the life i live in the body i live by faith in the son of God, who loved me and gave himself for me. -- galations 2:20