sad truth

the sad truth i've come to realize,

is that i'm becoming a fool. 

i try to be someone i think people want me to be

and it just takes me deeper, beneath the rumbling waters

i yearn to be free, but in trying to breathe

i don't find peace.

i say stupid things,

i say them without thinking about how it makes people feel

or what i really mean. 

i just want everything to be alright,

some perfect life.

and since that's what i'll seek,

nothing will i ever find. 

because i know what i need,

and i don't know how to get it. 

i want to know Jesus

i want to seek His face

but i don't know where He is

or what it looks like. 

the truth is,

people suffer in this world,

only i never believed it. 

death was something that happened in books,

and in movies and on the news. 

but it wasn't real life, no siree it was not

and i've been struck by the realization

that i don't understand reality. 

and a sad truth,

that that's all my dreams can ever be.

i don't understand much of anything, 

i hate that i make stupid mistakes.

and it's getting kind of dark in this room,

i keep hitting the wrong letter keys,

but i'm too lazy to turn the light on. 

why am i so empty of hope,

of authenticity,

of the truth of Your love.

i'm listening to a song on repeat, 

As Long as I'm Here 

by Brandon Heath. 

i guess the truth is, 

i need Jesus. 

because i'm a mess,

i don't care about anyone but myself,

i try to make sure everything's alright

and i'm never satisfied.

always worrying, over-thinking,

pondering nothing.

He said, 

"the first will be last, the last be first,"

and,

"if anyone should want first place, they should take last place; be the servant of all." 

yet here i sit, 

pushing all thoughts of eternity out of my mind,

i don't know why.

i have to, have to learn

how to love people

because that's the only thing i can do in this world

that's the only reason we're here

because it's not forever,

it's just not, it's just not

even though it's what i've always believed,

it's just not 

i hate it,

how it's like that,

how we can't all be here together 

always

right here. 

and it's hard

it's impossible

and it's not fair and i just don't get it,

i don't understand 

i forgot Your words

You gave me

You said,

"this world has nothing to do with me,"

it's nothing to do with me

nothing to do with me

it's everything to do with Jesus

and loving all the people. 

Jesus, 

be everything. 

please. 

because i don't know how to love

when people need to be loved

because life isn't fair

i see that

Jesus 

we need You.

and you know what.

eternity is forever.

psalm 119 says,

we're a stranger on this earth.

all that matters,

is how we've loved.

Heaven, is real. 

we'll be there. 

John 3:16,

For God loved the world so much that he gave his one and only Son, so that everyone who believes in him will not perish but have eternal life.

we skim over truths. i don't want to skim anymore. i want to dwell on them. i want to dwell on this truth. 

[dwell]: to linger over, emphasize, or ponder in thought, speech, or writing (often followed by on  or upon )