in our weakness

i'm tired of living in fear, trying to protect myself. we're fragile souls, we break eachother too easy, we cling so hard and collapse so brashly.
i woke up this morning, too early for the holidays, and peered out behind the curtain. the day was rather grey and dreary, and oh so beautiful. the trees, the grass, the clouds flooding the sky. i smiled. "today holds all the hope in the world," that's something i do believe, because today is all we'll ever live in this life, only today. tomorrow isn't something you'll ever meet face to face, you know?

my nana's birthday, we went down to the beach, we sang happy birthday and ate cake and watched a bit of the tennis, milos raonic was playing. don't worry, i didn't know who he was either, till today, he's cool. i like the tennis.

i want to get over this fear (provided it's real, and not just made up gibberish); don't all of us carry around some sense of it? most of us, at least. maybe that's why we hold on to things so tight; we can't bear the thought of having nothing. it's not an easy thing to grasp, that we can't live while holding on, but Jesus said  it, Clive* echoed it; if we don't give up all we hold on to, none of it will really be ours. nothing will be worth anything, we won't really be anyone. all we are is in Jesus.

"those who did most for this life are just those who thought most of the next." -- clive lewis

we spend conversation and days mulling over what we say to eachother. i believe freedom comes when we heave a deep sigh and with all our being, drop all we're carrying, right into Jesus' hands.

that's what He said, come to me, you who are weary and burdened and I will give you rest. 

God, i pray i'll know what any of this means. please open my eyes, my ears. to the truth that You are everything, all of life.

i love living. i love being with friends and laughing and making up crazy scenarios and breathing in the air and having adventures in the places people go everyday, it's still an adventure. i am thankful for today. thankYou God. 

the same way i never understood how i was supposed to love God, i never got how we could "give up our lives" to Jesus, like what on earth does that even mean?! but just now, it's like it clicked. 

in the moments where you see, say... well you're at school, and there's this kid, you've seen him around, and well he's got no friends. you and your friends, you're just talking as usual, walking past, and you hear this little voice, "Go talk to him. Say hi." 
and you're like, yeah, i should do that. and then you're like, nah, i mean there's tons of people walking past, someone else can stop.

and maybe they will. but i think that doing something like that, something that might require courage and us being humbled -- that's the giving up of the self, doing what is right, what Jesus is asking us to do, taking a breath and accepting the courage He gives you and loving this people, an opportunity to grab this bit of courage Jesus gives us and to give up yourself and love and forget about yourself and just trust God and love people, regardless of how you feel or what you're afraid people are gonna say -- i reckon that's a part of giving up yourself, to Jesus.

in our weakness we are made strong; by Jesus. glorify Yourself Jesus.

*i'm calling cs lewis 'clive' now, since that was his real name. ;)