Enough

I use this word a lot. Especially when I’m not going too well. “I’m not good enough.” My boyfriend would say that this is a favourite tagline of mine. “It won’t be good enough,” I’ll say. “It’s not enough.” “Am I enough?”

It’s such a transitory word. Illusory. Subjective. Elusive. Uncatchable. It’s haunting like that.

Your eyes catch on to it and you’ve got your arms outstretched, greed growing in those eyes. Enough. Oh, to catch it. To get your hands on enough and hold it. Oh, oh, so elusive. To strive for enough, you and I are guaranteed failure. To be good enough, to get enough, to be enough – if this is what you really want? Stop chasing it. Stop, stop, stop.

Why do we seek enough? I’d say in seeking enough, I’m seeking rest. Comfort. Reassurance. I seek enough because I see myself as inadequate. I’m striving to become more – what I call enough.

More, and enough, how are they the same thing?

When I think about what the word enough means, I question why I approach it with measuring tools. Enough? Has no standards. Enough? No requirements. You can’t hold a ruler up to its face, and no amount of rope will refer to its distance, either to you or from you.

What if I told you – and I am about to hear this the first time for myself – enough is the most accepting thing there is? What if I told you that enough rejects nothing and nobody?

Enough is yourself, the people around you, the world around you. Why do we seek to be enough? It’s who we already are. We’re a dog chasing its tail!

A dog chasing its tail.

I want to be enough. What we really mean when we say this is that we want to be more than we already are.

More.

This page has been a journey for me. What I thought was enough actually refers to more. Let’s copy and paste what I thought described enough – when it really is talking about more.

It’s such a transitory word. Illusory. Subjective. Elusive. Uncatchable. It’s haunting like that.

More indicates that there is not enough. More indicates that what currently is, is not acceptable. More suggests that something else must be attained.

When I say “I am not good enough,” what I really mean is, “I need to be more.” This is the fundamental underlying belief in what I am saying.

I need to be more. More than what I am.

And at what point will more suffice as enough? Will it ever?

I am chasing more. I have never known more to reach an end. More never ends. I will always need to be more. As long as I crave more, I will never stop running after it.

Oh, oh. I thought my battle was with enough and it turns out that enough is not only my alley but a descriptor, my greatest acceptor.

I didn’t think I struggled with more¸ I thought I was only fighting to be who I ought to already be, but it turns out that what I really desire for myself is to chase more until I die.

All I can think is that if I keep chasing more, I will never be enough, but how does this even makes sense, if I am already enough?

But all I see is that I am less than, that everyone else is better than, and doesn’t that make me not enough? Will I ever understand this concept of enough?

Comparison. And enough doesn’t play this game. Comparison is the game of more, and I’ve shown up to practice every single day.

I am that committed.

I am that miserable.

I wish I could just stop chasing more. Just stay with enough. But I’m scared, cos, you know, then I might not be enough…