what i found
I am filled with hate. Love does not live inside me. I am a
hard, calloused thing. Hate forms my thoughts, my defences.
I don’t know God, because I don’t love at all. I am emptied
of love. Love doesn’t know me as home. Jesus it’s dark. It’s crowded. It’s
lonely. It’s prideful, it’s careless, it’s selfish.
I sit between the back of the couch and the window, feet
pressed down into wood, peering at flowers behind the glass. They’re closed,
their petals are torn, colours fading. They were open yesterday.
Hatred is at home inside me. It’s comfortable. I didn’t even
know it was here until just before, but now it makes sense as I remember the
edginess, the restlessness, that shoot bullets at my heart and take pointed words
and throw them at other hearts.
It is me. The battle is between light and dark, good and
evil, hatred and love. I am fighting for dark. We fight for whatever lives
inside us.
It’s true that light breaks darkness. But how do you love
when you are filled with hate?
come.
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