water, blood & spirit

Sometimes the grandest truths are hard to form words round. The words that form us the most are hard to put down to be read. We know them in our heart & how do you convey them to the mind? 

I'll try, but it might not be smooth, though I wish it were. 

Maybe for over two thousand days, the sentence has come toward me in its own times -- reminding me, summoning me. 

There are things you want other than Me. 

And what do you do with this voice, this gentle stroking back of your hair? 

Some days you agree, some days you lift your head and beg some kind of change. It pulls you toward Philippians 3. 

Yes, all the things I once thought were so important are gone from my life. Compared to the high privilege of knowing Christ Jesus as my Master, firsthand, everything I once thought I had going for me is insignificant—dog dung. I’ve dumped it all in the trash so that I could embrace Christ and be embraced by him. I didn’t want some petty, inferior brand of righteousness that comes from keeping a list of rules when I could get the robust kind that comes from trusting Christ—God’s righteousness.10-11 I gave up all that inferior stuff so I could know Christ personally, experience his resurrection power, be a partner in his suffering, and go all the way with him to death itself. If there was any way to get in on the resurrection from the dead, I wanted to do it.

Still, you push forward and you keep wanting and loving other gods; human gods, human things. 

Years on, and you stumble into Tozer's The Pursuit of God and you read it cover to cover. You begin to pray the man's written prayers at the final edges of each chapter, and to your great horror and relief, this God has been begging these prayers with you the whole time. You read it all over again and you're breaking like you've never broke before. You shatter into more pieces than you thought you were made of. This god you've loved and longed slips out of your grip and you find yourself facing the only God you were ever made for.

You gripped this god so long and it wasn't that you didn't want the true God -- you couldn't let go of this human god, couldn't quit your worship because you truly believed it was your life-blood. To let go of this god would be to let go of your life. To die. 

These begging prayers you began praying as you wept through this book, The Pursuit of God, they're like the beginning of transformation, like your first surrender to death & glimpse of resurrection. 

And months wear on and you, still, resort back to your old worship, your old human god. Slowly you begin to know the Holy Spirit, and you begin to meet with him, in word & prayer and slowly entering the stillness. You begin to speak of how hard it is, to surrender your loves and gods. You come daily, and with lowered hands, beg surrender and release of your god-worship, your human-longing. 

It was yesterday I admitted honestly, that now I knew I didn't want anything without Him, without God, without the only God I was made for. I didn't want the boy or any of the worldly things through which we seek joy & fulfilment & beauty & purpose & peace. I didn't want any of them without this true God because they're only empty and depression and selfish soul-seeking without Him. 

I told Him that even though I knew that without Him no thing was good, I wasn't ready to just have Him. I wanted all the other things with Him... but I didn't want only Him. And it was then that I realised I do not yet know the goodness of God. 

I'll keep coming in begging prayer, arms lowered in surrender, 

and maybe you'll join me. 

I’m asking God for one thing,    only one thing:To live with him in his house    my whole life long.I’ll contemplate his beauty;    I’ll study at his feet.

This is my continual confession, 
my soul admission. 

And the unknown goodness, He'll fix our faces fast, 

amidst the water,
the blood,
& the spirit. 

Yet I am confident I will see the Lord’s goodness    while I am here in the land of the living.