weekend depresion

i was trying to write this like a poem, but it was halting & not going anywhere i wanted it to. so now i'm going to write it as it is -- a poem about what i am experiencing, weekend depression. 

i define weekend depression as when you wake up on saturday morning and everything you were looking forward to is now your reason for anxiety. 

sleeping in without having to go anywhere or do anything -- yesterday morning, i wanted this so much. this morning, i woke up early & instead of realising in a moment of bliss that i didn't have to get up, my heart started beating wildly & i scoured my brain for something to do today. i didn't get to enjoy sleeping in because the longer i lay in bed, the louder it got in my head. 

and i feel depressed because i don't have anywhere i have to be. the routine pulled right out from under me. but i know that all i want usually is the freedom to be wherever i want to be. 

so what's a little unnerving about this is: i thought i was over depression 

i thought those little claws of its no longer had grip in me 

thought anxiety and me had waved goodbye 

turns out, it's a weekend thing 

my depression is predominately a weekend thing 

which is kind of worse in a way 

because even though, in some ways, i enjoy my week

there's always a part of me waiting for saturday 

i thought i'd grown over my depression 

thought i'd learned enough things that 

it didn't have power over me 

but what i'm realising is that 

i've become dependent on outward structure 

like circumstancial routine is the foundational beam holding me 

let's talk more about this 

the idea of outward structure and my dependency 

on it to be okay 

nothing has really changed inside 

i'm still lonely, afraid, 

wanting to avoid my void 

i thought i was okay 

but being busy really does distract me 

from thinking too much about being lonely 

about how truly, without outward structure 

i am empty & alone 

i read these words this morning, 

a friend i never met wrote them down 

his name is Henri, Nouwen 

he said this,

to himself,

in a diary entry that he published 

for the sake of us 

suffering 

weekend depression 

and everything in between 

"you have to be willing to live your loneliness,

your incompleteness, 

your lack of total incarnation fearlessly, 

& trust that God will give you the people to keep showing you the truth of 

who you are." 

i thought i'd grown out of depression 

when really i'd learned another way
to hide from it 

outward structure is good 

healthy for the soul

imperative to living well 

however what i've done 

is become dependent on it 

rather than someone 

i've shifted my hiding place 

from a person 

to a structure 

sly disguise 

i didn't even known i'd put on 

the question obviously is not to quit 

but how to face my loneliness 

on the weekend 

& when i'm distracted 

during the week, the course of 

the outward structure playing out 

is there a way for my beam to be something 

other than circumstancial routine 

or  a significant other 

or anything else i might turn to for cover 

a way to face loneliness 

& recover the whole seven days,

to remain within structure 

yet be held by something kinder 

that isn't a hiding place