spoken but not heard // poetry

"what do you need to give up?"

the cloak of comparison

he asked "what do you need to give up" 
and i was bored by the question 

the question he was asking, is 
what are you keeping because you
think it is keeping you? 
what do you perceive as your protection,
that provides your security? 

even though i hated the question
and wanted to deny its validity 
i knew the answer... a 
path into the desert... 

wrapped firm over skin 
i press it down so that it won't come off 
but this item, this is my cloak of comparison 
and i keep it with me because i believe that it keeps me 

months and now almost a year, i've kept it together
haven't fallen apart 
haven torn into skin or bled on the ground
haven't yelled into earth or begged the sky 
i have kept it together this year 

yet my head is spinning 
there's an ache that isn't going away
as if i'm concentrating too hard without realising 
and my shoulders are tense
and i wonder if i am still capable of lament 

my vision is linear 
timeline streaming ahead & behind 
what's done & still waiting to be complete 
i'm just waiting for the end so that i can finally rest 
details piling up in my head and it doesn't matter how many times i write it all down,
they're all still there 
they don't go away 
and if they do, they get replaced 

and i'm back again with God falling through my grip 
like sweat dripping between fingertips 
i can't hold the notion of a man being forgiveness 
or of a deity beyond the universe 
too much theory 
nothing to be found here 
where do you draw the line between all you can see and all you don't see 
is it a question of objectivity and subjectivity 
or yin and yang 
help me,
my head is pounding 
and it hasn't stopped 
i wonder if i need to simply keep going 
or if there's a way to centre, here 
re-centre, here. 

i'm sitting in a dark room because the light is overwhelming 
the song is singing 'dawn is coming/open your eyes'. 
i know everything isn't falling apart 
but is there a way of knowing everything is already together? 

cloak of comparison 
way of determining my own worthiness 
i wear it to prove i'm allowed to be here 
strengthen self-belief 
cloak of comparison 
is what i hold up in me, against you 
it either destroys me or the way i see you 
nobody wins 
but i feel like i can keep going 
when i'm wearing it 
and anyway 
i don't know how to take it off
i don't know how i put it on 
i've always been wearing it 
long as i can remember 
other wise i wouldn't have made it here
comparing me to you was the only way i could stay 
i would've broken and leaked into concrete or some thing 
i was glad for whoever gave it to me 
they saved me 

only know i'm realising that i need to take it off 
that it's really not a true story 
it's making every thing smaller 
taking away the dignity 
but i'm scared that without it 
i'll die 
but i can also see that 
wearing it 
is slowly killing me 
this headache a band around my head 
who am i if i can't compare you to me 
it's because i believe i exist because of whatever you think of me 

first way to removing this cloak i guess 
is acknowledging, as i have, that i think i'm defined by what you say and think of me 
the cloak allows me to differentiate, to separate... between good and not good, worthy and unworthy, beautiful and ugly, 
all i am is in relation to you 
it's a competition and every moment you and i either win or lose 
in my mind 
it rules me 
self-owned reality
is only fantasy 
yet i... thought it was real 
thought it was things being truly defined 
this has kept me alive 

i just want to be good enough 
and in my head it means being better than you 
and if i'm bad it's because you're better than me 
it's a race for two, whoever's in the building 
you're either friend or foe depending on what is being measured
and what there is to lose 
help me 
is there a way through 
way to the desert
i'll lose my cloak 
i'll walk naked through desert 
if i can stand eye-opened 
universe expanding 
seeing things as they are 
help me 
i need to be better
i need to be better than you 
otherwise i am nothing 
only two options 
always competition 
i have to compare 
there is up and down 
first and last 
help me
how can i let go? 
my cloak. 
my dear cloak. 
what would be left if i wasn't wearing it? 
how could i stand? 
my cloak gives my significance 
within it lies my legacy 
my brilliance 
all the comparisons i've made 
bullets in my brain 
shattered heart spilling through vein 
my cloak gives me my significance 
reminds who i am
that i am worthy 
that i am good enough 
that i am better than
as long as there is an enemy 

my cloak feeds on the fuel of enemy 
the price to pay for my cloak, my identity 
is enemy 
i hunt for enemies 
to stay alive 
i keep enemies close 
to stay alive 

i have no friends
unless they are enemies who 
give me significance 
i think my cloak 
is a thief 
that takes the mysteries 
and convinces me that i am gaining everything 
when really everything gets smaller until i can hardly see it anymore 
until it barely exists 
and everything is invisible 
even the flowers that were there yesterday 
i can't see them anymore 
and my mother's face i haven't looked at it 
it has gone missing 
my cloak has covered it all up 
and i don't have a friend 
because i needed to be better than them 
or the legacy would be obsolete 
and i'm scrambling to be good enough 
to be seen 
as better 
as better
just let me be the one who is better
let me chosen
let me be wanted 
please 
just choose me 
over them 
isn't that what it means to be chosen 
it means to be win
and that means everybody else loses 

eyes opened
cloak disappears