STAY

 finding myself right deep in the slumps of soul, disoriented, slow in the worst of ways. without intention. 

starting to hate. starting to burrow under covers. starting to hide. starting to resign myself to the feelings, the thoughts, the beliefs. 

a small reminder goes like this: this is part of the journey. part of healing. 

this feeling, this experience, is not an interruption but a part of the journey. when i remind myself of this, i come back. 

i come back to where i am. 

once you come back to where you are, you can come back to who you are. 

this day hasn't been easy. but i told myself this morning, i love you. be gentle with yourself today, i told myself. you are good, you are wise, you are whole. you are compassionate. i tell myself all these things and more, because what i am hearing inside today is all negative, all dark, all pain.

i keep speaking, as i write, and i don't stop. i don't stop all morning, as i write out a to do list and go for a walk where it's all i can do to put one foot in front of the other. 

i go through the list, i realise that i am not my enemy. 

it feels like i've gone back to the beginning. but this is just another opportunity to show up to myself in this, to work through it, to consciously walk through it. i have stayed with myself in my pain today -- i haven't drowned in it. i've stayed with myself. i haven't abandoned myself. 

i have been my own friend today. i have been the rescuer i've always longed for. 

i wanted to share this with you, if there's anyone out there at all reading this, to let you know that even when it seems like you're totally gone, like your awareness has given way to clouds, that you're still here: the feelings are still only clouds and the blue sky is right behind, right there, right here. 

stay with yourself. 

remember that you are not your enemy. 

speak to yourself like a friend.

go gentle. 

accept this is a moment on the journey.

acceptance changes everything. 

i write it on my fingers this morning, on my right hand, one word on each finger: one step at a time. 

today has been one step at a time. one compassionate and gracious step at a time. 

i love you.